How I Got Fat & Other Tales of Woe

I’ve never been fat. I wasn’t a fat baby, not a fat child, not a fat teenager, not a fat adult. So how I came to wake up one morning fat, I will never know! Okay. Okay. I wasn’t visited by the fat fairy overnight. I’m still not exactly sure what happened. Okay. Okay. I know what happened. I’ve spent my life being busy and active. I’m one of those people who talks about runners high and enjoys a good burn in the muscles. Well, I was. I did sometimes eat poorly but not lots of junk, more like very little junk spread out over long periods of time. I am the perfect example of Newton’s law of motion. I have spent most of my life in uniform motion. Then I got bored. Boredom was the external force applied to the motion that changed the uniformity of the motion. Now, let me clarify that boredom does not equate to unhappiness. In fact, in my case, I’ve been very happy. For the last two years I’ve proceeded to promote to a senior level at work with very little effort, I complete all of my PhD coursework and passed my comprehensive exams and didn’t even always read the books. I have a great marriage to a really fun and interested guy who thinks I’m pretty darn adorable. Turns out I’m one of those really sickening people that I always want to slap in the face because things come so easily to them. Annoying. There is a flip side to this and that is that it has all come easily now because I have worked my butt off up to this point. I’ve always been a really disciplined, focused person and now the payoff tastes sweet. Sweet like chocolate filled croissants, red velvet cake, funnel cake with strawberries and real whipped cream… see the problem. Now I’m not Orca fat or even Oprah fat, but I am now a good 20lbs heavier than I was 2 years ago… and 30lbs heavier than I was at like, um, 25 or so. Another problem is that I actually carry weight well… yeah, slap me again. The impossible dream for most women… my weight went directly into making me look like Dolly Parton with a tan and minus the trailer trash hair and makeup (and I dress better, but whatever). So for the first 15 lbs or so, it wasn’t really a problem, in fact, I got a lot of compliments for looking more womanly and less hungry. I’d like to look a little more hungry again, thanks. Time for some changes.

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