I was reading through some twitter posts the other day, opening up links to articles about various people who dance – not professional dancers but dancers who have various kinds of illnesses, who are in wheelchairs, or are just really old. And when I say old, dear youngsters, I don’t mean 30 or 40, I mean 80 or 90, just to be clear. It was really inspiring and humbling. I sat there looking at photos thinking about how beautiful it is when human beings enjoy the freedom of dance. And then I realized that when I look at photos or videos of myself dancing, I judge myself on something entirely different – not how much I love dancing, how hard I work, or my passion for dance. I judge myself on how I look and not if my line is nice, my feet are pointed, and my arms are pretty, but my weight and my body shape. I came to realize that part of my lack of motivation right now is my own ridiculous self judgement. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve allowed my feelings about how I look dancing to override how I feel when I am dancing! I also admit that it is going to be an ongoing struggle to learn how to better deal with that because when it comes to ruthless self judgement, I am the Queen. It is hard not to be critical in a room full of mirrors but work on it I shall because loathing self judgement is not a good thing in any respect. And I want to get back into the studio and feel the joy of the music and the movement. Dancing should be about joy – and sweat and discipline and work but mostly joy – but definitely not about size.

~Let’s dance.

So — it appears that I am still in the drawing back of the bow phase.  😦  Well — what can I say? When you are in the midst of being pulled back, the best thing is to be prepared to launch forward! And I am trying to prepare myself even if it is only in my mind. Yes, I had a serious injury. Yes, I have permanent damage. Yes, the time away took some twists and turns that left me worst off for wear. Yes, I’m not really ready to push forward in the way that I would like. But I am taking aim, drawing back, and getting ready to launch.  I may wander about in my doubts sometimes but I really do believe that all will be well.

~Let’s dance, maybe you can get a few steps in for me too while you are at it!